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New; Jokes LOL

(45 posts)
  • Started 4 years ago by vistamike
  • Latest reply from Hermitt
  • Topic Viewed 3884 times

Posts: 1322

Jack Daniel's Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel's Old No. 7 and poured a little whiskey in his mouth. His eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident

and carried on fishing, using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that damn snake, with two more frogs!

Posted 4 years ago
Posts: 632

Had a Little Fight this Morning. :

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the
road, and slowly the driver gets out of the car,

and you know how you just get so stressed,
and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it. He was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me, and says,

So I look down at him and say,
"Well, which one are you then?"....

And that's when the fight started

Posted 4 years ago
Posts: 1322

Winter Boots
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her
pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing,
the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said,
'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off,
than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on,
this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and
scream, 'Why didn't you say so?'
like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting
boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to
wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked,
'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.

Posted 4 years ago
Posts: 10945

Once upon a time there was a chap, who after a bitter divorce, became very lonely. And so he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted an unusual pet to keep him company. After much discussion, he decided on a centipede, which he immediately named Carl. It came with a little white box which could be used as its house.

He took the box home and found a good location for it, and decided that he would start off by taking his new friend to the pub to have a drink. So he peeked into the opening on the box and said "Hey Carl, would you like to nip down to the pub for a beer?"

There was, however, no reply, and that bothered the chap a bit. A few minutes later he asked again and said "Hey, how about going down to the pub with me for a beer?" But again there was no answer from his new friend. So he waited ten more minutes thinking about the situation and then decided to ask one more time. He put his mouth up to the opening in the white box and shouted "Hey, you in there, would you like to go to the pub place and have a drink with me?

At this, a little voice came out of the box and said "No need to shout, hang on a minute, I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"

Beware of Carl then......

Posted 4 years ago
Posts: 1310

LOL!!! Good one Mike. LOL!!

Posted 4 years ago

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