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How to Grow Prize-Winning Green Beans

Farmer Geek Most people don’t know this yet, but I’ve decided to give up computers and become a farmer instead. Since I’m the helpful type, I’ve decided to share everything I know about farming with you, starting with how I won my prize winning green beans.

These are just a few tips that I’ve learned over my last 25 minutes as a farmer.

Tips for Growing Prize-Winning Green Beans

The first step is to get yourself some dirt. The key thing to keep in mind is that your neighbor’s lawn probably has dirt in it, but you should look out for signs that tell you to keep off the grass, because that indicates that your neighbor’s grass doesn’t have the rich nutrients to grow prize-winning green beans.

Dirt!

Once you have the dirt, you can put your green bean seeds into it, and then you need to add some water and stir. You’ll want to remember to avoid using too much water, because mud puddles will get your shoes all dirty, and you don’t want to track that stuff in your server room.

Water!

During the gardening process, it’s important to have light. Be sure to avoid planting your green beans in a cave, because there might be bears in there.

Sunlight!

After a lot of care and attention, your crops should be ready to harvest and take to the local fair.

If all goes well, you can get your own World’s Best Green Beans award!

Awards! 

Note: Award can also be created in Microsoft Word.

Lowell Heddings, better known online as the How-To Geek, spends all his free time bringing you fresh geekery on a daily basis. You can follow him on if you'd like.

  • Published 04/1/09

Comments (19)

  1. ScottW

    Yeeee Haaaaw!! Them are some tasty vittles, pardner!

  2. phoenix713

    Thank you Geek. I’ve been trying to learn how to grow amazing Green Beans for a long time now. I’m going to follow in your footsteps and leave computers behind, take up farming, and basically live a much simpler life…

    Hehe.

    Happy April Fools day.

  3. pipo

    wouldn’t it have been easier to just switch to rocket science?

    Happy April Fool’s!

  4. _ck_

    One of the better ones I’ve seen today. Bonus points for the logo change.

  5. AlanWade

    Very good!
    Happy April Fools

  6. Jack C

    Please come back inside… somebody get Geek back inside and call a doctor. This can’t happen. Oh, it’s April Fool’s day… I get it!

  7. dcj2

    Not many people know this but fresh green beans also make great batteries (similar to the old potato battery experiment you did as a kid). The beans contain the same relative amount of starch as a potato, but the additional sugar acts as a very effective electrolyte, increasing efficiency about 620% per pound of vegetable.Using double-strength Miracle-Grow during the growing process can also help increase the mineral content, thus improving electrolytic performance even more. One drawback to using the beans as a power source is that they require a bit more up-front work; with a spud you just jam in a couple of electrodes, but the beans need to be connected into a serial array. If you run parallel arrays, you can really maximize throughput…I’ve successfully run small electrical appliances for as long as an hour using 100 groups of 12-bean arrays. When the array gets too large, you may notice your bean-battery overheating. You can tell when a bean’s getting too much heat because of the distinct “cooking” smell they’ll give off. If this becomes a problem, I suggest you place the array into a high-temperature vessel (like a baking dish) to protect your table top. I’ve also found that placing thin slices of fresh mushrooms over the beans is an effective way to dissipate the extra heat. The mushrooms contain a surprisingly high amount of water, making them perfect dissipators of the heat. You can really maximize the heat transfer through use of a contact medium similar to thermal grease used on CPSs. There are lots of choices here, but think something along the lines of a nice, creamy soup. Finally, with all this tasty food around, you’re sure to attract critters. You can keep most of them away by liberally sprinkling the top of your bean-and-mushroom battery with crispy bits of fried onion, the kind you get at the grocery store. For the critters that aren’t deterred by onions, you can store the whole thing in your oven, say at about 350 degrees, for about 45 minutes or until bubbly. Mmmmmm, I can taste the free electricity already. HAFD, Geek!

  8. Scott

    So that’s where my virtual e coli came from, thanks Geek :|

  9. vtzete0

    I like to see articles on raising a prize-winning hog…OINK! OINK!

  10. Marky Mark

    OH MAN THAT WAS FUNNY!!! You had me going there for a second. CHORTLE CHORTLE HYUK HYUK.

    I agree with vtzete0 lets see some hog videos. HAHA LOL ROFL!!!!!!!!

  11. Aleeve

    :D

    One of your better, more informative articles – keep ‘em coming pardner ;]

  12. sharath

    sweet and funny

  13. Roulettespiel

    Wahnsinn! Sowas hätte ich garnicht für denkbar gehalten :)

  14. Roulette

    Theoretisch ist das ne gute Sache, ich bin mir nicht sicher, ob dies auch langfristig realistisch brauchbar ist!

  15. book of ra

    Heftig, ich hätte niemals gedacht, dass das wirklich auch so möglich ist

  16. webseite

    Also ich vermute dies ist nur eine kurzweilige Erscheinung

  17. spiel book of ra

    Da fragt man sich beim groben Lesen ja schon, ob man selbst nicht komplett bescheuert ist. Herzlichen Dank fur eure Berichte

  18. Novoline Tricks

    Also ich glaube das ist eh nur ne Trendsache

  19. Poker American

    Also ich bin mir sicher das war lediglich eine kurzfristige Trendgeschichte

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