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Oh noooo...

(23 posts)
  • Started 5 years ago by Scott
  • Latest reply from Scott
  • Topic Viewed 1867 times

Scott
Scott
Posts: 5618

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary'.)

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should be used only for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.� At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth; see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups; with saucers, and never mugs; with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Posted 5 years ago
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mpc104
mpc104
Posts: 286

thats funny! but what is really funny,its not all that bad of an idea.[lol]

Posted 5 years ago
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Scott
Scott
Posts: 5618

Posted 5 years ago
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raphoenix
raphoenix
Posts: 14920

@mpc,
Make that (2) in agreement living in TN. [lol]

Posted 5 years ago
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Scott
Scott
Posts: 5618

Or 4...

Posted 5 years ago
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mpc104
mpc104
Posts: 286

hello dolly!
mike.

Posted 5 years ago
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techgranny
techgranny
Posts: 1443

I'm all for rules 1, 2, 11 and 12:)

Posted 5 years ago
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Aleeve
Aleeve
Posts: 2818

:D

I'm British!!!!!

Posted 5 years ago
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Scott
Scott
Posts: 5618

Yes.
We'll all be subjects together ;)

Posted 5 years ago
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ScottW
ScottW
Posts: 6609

I had a feeling that the British Empire would be resurgent someday. Look up "resurgent" in the American Heritage Dictionary! It may start with The Colonies, but you all know who is next. Watch out, Hong Kong, India, Pakistan, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, parts of Africa (you know who you are), and all of those little island nations. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts and British Imperialists bringing you "common wealth". Oh, yeah, and closer to the center, watch out Ireland. Remember how well that Home Rule went? I'll bet you do!

Regarding #10, this is no longer a valid complaint. Consider, for example, the most recent Great American Western on film. Who starred in it? A Welshman and an Aussie! That same Welshman has been playing one of America's favorite comic book heroes, Batman. That same Aussie played a New York detective in the film "American Gangster". Actors from the UK have taken over on American TV. Hugh Laurie, Lena Headey, Michele Ryan, Damian Lewis, and many more are *headlining* American TV shows. The list goes on an on. Oh, and before someone points out that it's not fair to include Aussies, well they are all former Brits that were sent to a giant penal colony. All except the Aboriginies.

Posted 5 years ago
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JonMCC33
JonMCC33
Posts: 266

#11 would be a crime against humanity.

Posted 5 years ago
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whs
whs
Posts: 17584

But the point 11 is right. There is only one game that is more boring than american football - and that is baseball.

Posted 5 years ago
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Scott
Scott
Posts: 5618

Just to be clear whs, what is it you actually like about your home away from home?

Posted 5 years ago
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JonMCC33
JonMCC33
Posts: 266

Very wrong. NFL football is the #1 watched sport in the United States. If people think it's too wimpy then they should check out some of the hits. Wide receiver Anquan Boldin just got taken out indefinitely with this vicious hit (it actually fractured his skull): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ub1_k1VA1C0

I'm a fan of NHL hockey second but it's not as popular in all of the world as soccer because it can't be played in those small 3rd world poor countries near the equator. But up north, Canada, Russia and other European countries it is crazy. Now hockey is exciting to me all the time.

Soccer is about as boring as golf in my book. The field is too large, there are too many people on it and you get flagged for any hit.

Posted 5 years ago
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Scott
Scott
Posts: 5618

Posted 5 years ago
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whs
whs
Posts: 17584

I thought I would get you guys out of the woodwork - lol. And to answer your question Scott: I like the sun and my home. The rest I can do without.

Posted 5 years ago
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elpaelpa
elpaelpa
Posts: 717

I think this country has enough queens.Soccer,bocce and syncro swimming are all exciting to watch (yawn).

Posted 5 years ago
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Scott
Scott
Posts: 5618

LOL Wofgang, how about Busch Gardens, McDill AFB, Gasparilla and manatees?

Posted 5 years ago
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english
english
Posts: 248

Ok i think i will just jump in here i have been watching with interest.
And i have just dicovered that American,s have got a sense of humer but are you ready for this?

http://uk.youtube.com/user/almurray?ob=1

Posted 5 years ago
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whs
whs
Posts: 17584

Scott, you got me on the manatees. I really like them and visit a nearby park to see them several times per season.

Posted 5 years ago
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