Some one-liners; some old, some new but none of them blue.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
Time; is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Never answer an anonymous letter.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Some days you’re the dog , some days you’re the hydrant!
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.