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New; Jokes LOL

(45 posts)
  • Started 2 years ago by vistamike
  • Latest reply from Hermitt
  • Topic Viewed 3884 times

warlock
Posts: 4100

Pfizer Announcement

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Posted 2 years ago
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ProstheticHead
Posts: 3281

@Warlock. Sounds like your average Saturday night on the town to me. 'cept maybe the elderly part, although by no means exclusively.

Posted 2 years ago
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warlock
Posts: 4100

@Kevin, Your town sounds way more interesting than mine. If ever in Ireland have to look you up, to show me the town. Second thought, never mind I'm the elderly part.

Posted 2 years ago
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Lighthouse
Posts: 13598

I can tell you that Kevin is a nice bloke :) and Ireland and Eire, tis whiskey and Guinness.

Posted 2 years ago
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warlock
Posts: 4100

I'm in.

Posted 2 years ago
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Lighthouse
Posts: 13598


Posted 2 years ago
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warlock
Posts: 4100

Still in, I think I know some of those blokes from awhile ago.

Posted 2 years ago
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Lighthouse
Posts: 13598

What's the difference between a snake, a squirrel, and a chicken ?...............................................The first 2 taste like chicken !

Posted 2 years ago
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bubbatie1
Posts: 1322

Linda Lykes true or fable ?

Posted 2 years ago
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bubbatie1
Posts: 1322

TRAVEL PLANS ?

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots
with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes
you there

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport;
you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump,
and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and
I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important
to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as
I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets
the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my
age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART!
Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year.
You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to
at least one unstable person.

My job is done!

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!

Posted 2 years ago
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vistamike
Posts: 10945

Some one-liners; some old, some new but none of them blue.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

Time; is what keeps things from happening all at once.

Never answer an anonymous letter.

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.

Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Some days you’re the dog , some days you’re the hydrant!

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Posted 2 years ago
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SarahJames
Posts: 6581

Seem familiar, Mike ;)
Some more:

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Posted 2 years ago
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bubbatie1
Posts: 1322

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.....so true !!!!!!

Posted 2 years ago
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vistamike
Posts: 10945

Interesting computer / tech support related observations from the old days;

Tech Support: "How much RAM do you have in the computer?"
Customer: "32 megs."
Tech Support: "Are you using any RAM doubling software?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "So you have 16 megs of actual, physical RAM?"
Customer: "No. I have 8 megs. I installed [a RAM expanding product], and that gave me 16. I liked it so much I went out and got [another RAM expanding product]. So now I have 32."

Customer: "Do you people sell them megas?"
Salesperson: "Uh, sure, how much do you need, sir?"
Customer: "100!"
Salesperson: "I can only give you 64."
Customer: "Well, can't you throw in 26 more?"

Customer: "I need some 30 pin SIMM chips."
Salesman: "I'm sorry, we only have 72 pin SIMM chips."
Customer: "Can't you split them in two?"

Customer: "You people owe me a new computer."
Tech Support: "You're having trouble with your computer? What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "Well, I bought some memory from you people, and ever since I installed it into my computer, it's been doing nothing but making grinding noises, and nothing works anymore!"
Tech Support: "Grinding noises?? It shouldn't be doing that!"
Customer: "I know that! That's why you people owe me a new computer, and I'm going to charge you for lost downtime and my inconvenience."

[Grinding noises from SIMMs? This was a new one]

Tech Support: "Sir, did you install those chips yourself or did someone do it for you?"
Customer: "I'm not an idiot! I did it myself. I put them right in that slot in the front of the computer, smart alec."

Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

Tech Support: "What version of Eudora are you using?"
Customer: "Navigator 3.0."

Customer: "So do I go to Word or Excel to start XP?"

Tech Support: "What type of computer do you own?"
Customer: "I don't know. I just bought it."

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

Customer: "How many pins does a sixteen-pin cable have?"

Customer: "I would like to place an order."
Tech Support: "Unfortunately, we are unable to take orders over the phone. All orders must be placed on our web site."
Customer: "Web site?"
Tech Support: "You need access to a computer that's connected to the Internet in order to visit our Internet site and place an order."
Customer: "Where is the computer?"
Tech Support: "..."

Customer: "What does 'dual-core' mean?"
Salesman: "It basically means you have two computers in one. It also means you can plug your laptop into it."

TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"

Posted 2 years ago
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bubbatie1
Posts: 1322

TODAYS EMAIL .............As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's hiney.
It's the tortoise life for me!
1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, but
4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It's a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck did stop here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world

beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE..........??????

Posted 2 years ago
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vistamike
Posts: 10945

One off the TV;

If an earl gets an OBE does become an earlobe?

{OBE; Order of the British Empire}

Posted 2 years ago
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GuiltySpark
Posts: 4024

LOL.

@ Mike,

You been watching Milton Jones ? :)

Posted 2 years ago
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vistamike
Posts: 10945

Yep....and the expression on his face!

Posted 2 years ago
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vistamike
Posts: 10945

So papa, how do you like the iPad we got you?


Posted 2 years ago
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Lighthouse
Posts: 13598

Mike, brilliant. Sorta reminds me of an old PK we had. A nice new Teflon frying pan came out to the lighthouse, and he spent all middle watch (00:00 - 04:00)
getting "the black stuff off".

Posted 1 year ago
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