A selectation of puns / jokes from the web, some seen before, some....still needing moderation perhaps.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest..
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one - and let the other one off.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
Weight loss mantra? Fat chants!
The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?
A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight.
These, of course, are only round figures.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.'
I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.'
He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. I
t took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'
That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? It's not unusual
People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren't idiots. That would be stereotyping.
Dear, must you spend so much money on food? "Sorry, darling, but you and the kids just won't eat anything else!"
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant!
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
Math teachers have lots of problems.
Bridge tolls have increased significantly over a 5 year span
At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?"
"I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"