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New; Jokes LOL

(45 posts)
  • Started 1 year ago by vistamike
  • Latest reply from Hermitt
  • Topic Viewed 3884 times

vistamike
vistamike
Posts: 10945

coolkid3245 request; http://www.howtogeek.com/forum.....ost-313068

Well a starting point, now we need the jokes
How does a joke work?

Well here are a few that might pass;

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

__________________________

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

Posted 1 year ago
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vistamike
vistamike
Posts: 10945

And or;

Posted 1 year ago
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Hermitt
Hermitt
Posts: 1310

Posted 1 year ago
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warlock
warlock
Posts: 4100

http://www.howtogeek.com/forum.....?replies=2 Okay answers accepted here. Since who it was addressed to is no longer able to answer.

Posted 1 year ago
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bubbatie1
bubbatie1
Posts: 1322









Posted 1 year ago
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vistamike
vistamike
Posts: 10945

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.

An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”

Q: Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
A: Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It’s a hardware problem.

Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?”
The first string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu”
“Please excuse my friend,” the second string says. “He isn’t null-terminated.”

“I’m not interrupting you, I’m putting our conversation in full-duplex mode.”
- Antone Roundy

A doctor, a civil engineer and a programmer are discussing whose profession is the oldest.
“Surely medicine is the oldest profession,” says the doctor. “God took a rib from Adam and created Eve and if this isn’t medicine I’ll be…”
The civil engineer breaks in:
“But before that He created the heavens and the earth from chaos. Now that’s civil engineering to me.”
The programmer thinks a bit and then says:
“And who do you think created chaos?”

Posted 1 year ago
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hatryst
hatryst
Posts: 3482

Ponderisms:

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

(via sickipedia)

Posted 1 year ago
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hatryst
hatryst
Posts: 3482

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"

She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."

"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"

I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."

--

Do you know what really makes me smile?

Facial muscles.

--

Fool your parents into thinking they have lost touch with modern technology by putting Formula 1 on the TV, then sitting in front of it with a joypad.

--

It's really difficult to find what you want on eBay.
I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches.

--

I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes.

We haven't done a gig yet.

Posted 1 year ago
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Lighthouse
Lighthouse
Posts: 13598

When you can come up up with something original...

Posted 1 year ago
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coolkid3245
coolkid3245
Posts: 202

@hatryst
Your jokes are very punny.

Posted 1 year ago
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vistamike
vistamike
Posts: 10945

Please concentrate in what u r suppose to do at work


Posted 1 year ago
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vistamike
vistamike
Posts: 10945

A selectation of puns / jokes from the web, some seen before, some....still needing moderation perhaps.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest..
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one - and let the other one off.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

Weight loss mantra? Fat chants!

The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight.
These, of course, are only round figures.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.'
I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.'
He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. I
t took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'
That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? It's not unusual

People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren't idiots. That would be stereotyping.

Dear, must you spend so much money on food? "Sorry, darling, but you and the kids just won't eat anything else!"

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.

She had a photographic memory but never developed it.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant!

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

Math teachers have lots of problems.

Bridge tolls have increased significantly over a 5 year span

At the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?"
"I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

Posted 1 year ago
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GuiltySpark
GuiltySpark
Posts: 4024

Mike,

You forgot this one...

Velcro! What a rip-off.

Posted 1 year ago
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Lighthouse
Lighthouse
Posts: 13598

Except for 5 oldies, a good attempt.

Posted 1 year ago
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vistamike
vistamike
Posts: 10945

Neil, I was gonna make that a sticky......

Posted 1 year ago
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Lighthouse
Lighthouse
Posts: 13598

No stickies aloud... do it on the quiet.

Posted 1 year ago
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GuiltySpark
GuiltySpark
Posts: 4024

The Censored version!!!

Four Jamaicans were sitting around a campfire discussing Philosophy and things when the subject
got onto Speed.

1st Jamaican : I tink da fastest ting in da world is a T'ought, cause as soon as you tink, you t'ought it already.

2nd Jamaican : Nah man, da fastest ting is a Blink, cause as soon as you start, you done blunk.

3rd Jamaican : Nah, da fastest ting has to be Light, cause as soon as you flick da switch, da light come on.

4th Jamaican on hearing this says : No way boy, you is all wrong. Da fastest ting in da world is Diarrhea,
cause da other night before me could Tink, Blink or switch on da Light...me crapped meself.

Posted 1 year ago
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Lighthouse
Lighthouse
Posts: 13598

Been there, done that. You is so right GS (even worse wen ya between da kettle, an da bog)

Posted 1 year ago
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bubbatie1
bubbatie1
Posts: 1322

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

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bubbatie1
bubbatie1
Posts: 1322

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

Posted 1 year ago
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