These amusing communications illustrate the implications of using vague language, as well as the age-old potential for conflict and confusion between operational departments and functions, and the long-suffering tolerance of service and maintenance staff in support of operational personnel found in all industries.
Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew.---.Remedial action or answer reported by maintenance engineer
Something loose in cockpit.---. Something tightened in cockpit.
Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing.---. Almost replaced left-inside main tyre.
Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.---. Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.
Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine. Engine run for three hours.---. Noise now familiar.
Mouse in cockpit.---. Cat installed.
Target radar hums.---. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably].---. Engine found on starboard [right] wing after brief search.
Pilot's clock inoperative.---. Wound clock.
Aircraft handles funny.---. Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.---. Pilot removed from aircraft.
Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.---. Took hammer away from midget.
Suspected crack in windshield.---. Suspect you are right.
IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.].---. IFF always inoperative in 'off' mode.
Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough.---. Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft.
No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?].---. Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.
Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.---. Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
Dead bugs on windshield.---. Live bugs on back order.
Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent.---. Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.---. Evidence removed.
Three roaches in cabin.---. One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.
DME volume set unbelievably loud. [DME = Distance Measuring Equipment?].---. DME volume set to more believable level.
No2 propeller seeping prop fluid.---. No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.---. That's what they are for.