Does this remind you of anything? A couple’s fight gone out of control?
One of the key factors to making a relationship work and last is learning how to argue well and avoid being nasty. And no, there is no such thing as not arguing. While learning and understanding how you communicate and how your partner communicates is critical to minimizing the arguments, let’s face it, every couple argues and it can get nasty.
If you want to improve your relationship, then you need to learn how to argue well and here’s where you need to start:
Calm Down. You are about to burst with anger and all you can think of is how you’ve been wronged, misunderstood and attacked by your partner. Recognize that this is the critical moment where you need to reel it in, try and calm down before you react. How you react at this critical juncture will pave the way for how the argument will turn out. Whatever you need to do to calm down, do it.
No Cursing!! If you curse, realize that it will take away your partners focus on the point you want to make and shift the focus to the fact that you are cursing at him or her. Moreover, the more you do it, the more it becomes a habit that becomes very difficult to break. It’s true that the people closest to you can hurt you the most and get you worked up like no one else can, but try and keep it clean.
Ask, listen, process and acknowledge. Set the precedence and an example by asking your partner why he or she is hurt by your actions. Refrain at this time from going into an explanation or trying to justify. Just listen to your partner, process what he or she is saying and acknowledge your partner’s feelings by reiterating it. It’s may seem a bit elementary, but it’s definitely not easy to do.
Talk about why you are upset but avoid using “YOU”. When you are talking, avoid using “you”. Rather, start out your statements with “when you did X, you made me feel Y”. In the former instance, the partner will only hear you attacking him or her. In the latter instance, the partner will focus more on how certain actions or statements made you feel.
Apologize. You don’t have to apologize for everything. You simply apologize for hurting your partner’s feelings. You are not agreeing to every claim that your partner makes about you by apologizing, but you are apologizing for hurting your partner’s feelings.
There are no winners and losers in relationships. Either you both win or lose at the end of the day when alls said and done. When using arguing well strategies, you may feel like you are giving in often times, but realize that you are setting precedence and a standard for arguing. And once in a while, what’s wrong with giving in
- Published 01/10/10